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Dear My Book

Dear My Book,

Okay, listen. This is a difficult time in our relationship, and I know we’ve been spending a lot of time fighting with each other and it’s been stressful, but first of all, I want to be sure you know, I mean REALLY know, that I’m deeply committed to working this out. I believe in us for the long-term, larger picture. When I look deep in my heart, I see a future with us together, happily working towards the same goals, sharing the good and the bad. I truly believe in that. I’m not losing my faith in that just because we’re having a rough time right now.

But that said, I would really like to clear the air between us, and I don’t feel that’s been happening effectively just going about it the way that we have been. So I’m going to try writing my feelings down and handing them to you, and it would mean a lot to me if you could take the time to read them, without just reacting angrily or anything — just read them, and think about them, and then after a while I’d like it we could talk through them all rationally.

Sometimes it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m in this all alone, and like I’m the one doing the heavy lifting, while you just sit there, cold and impassive. I can’t tell what you’re feeling. That makes me feel like it’s all my faith carrying us, and I don’t even know if you believe in that long term goal. It’s hard, when I don’t even know if you really want to be in this with me or not. I wish I felt like I had a clear picture how this strife of the editing process made you feel.

Other times, I feel like there are too many people involved — why are you talking to our editor so much? What do you guys talk about? You guys go off in secret without me there, and then you come back, and you start spewing things at me — this has to change, I can’t live like this, who’s taking out the trash, if you ever really loved me you would have remembered to pick up bread on the way home. I know she’s influencing you and it makes me feel powerless. Some of the things you’re saying to me when we fight I know are straight from your heart, but others just ring like something she said that you’re repeating. I’m glad you have an advocate and a champion but I also fear she’s putting things in your head that you wouldn’t otherwise think.

Every time I think we’ve worked through a major issue, it seems like there are more waiting in the wings. You’re angry at me when I take a break to eat or see my family for a few minutes. I don’t understand what you have against my family. They love you. Why can’t you see that? It’s not reasonable for you to try to cut me off from them. I don’t think that’s acceptable for our relationship. I don’t like how you control my days so completely.

I understand we have real issues that need to be worked through, and that we have limited time in which to resolve our conflicts. But even in spite of my faith that this is going to work out and we are going to live happily ever after, there are times when I desperately just want to run away. I want to tell you I think we need some time apart, maybe even to see other projects. It’s not about you, it’s about me: I need to recharge my batteries. Focusing so closely on you can’t be healthy if it continues like this. I know you feel like I’m just ripping your guts out over and over and making us hash over the same old things again and again, but sometimes that is what it takes.

I’m sure that someday down the road we’ll look back at all this and smile, happy that we worked through it and stuck it out. I can see that being as soon as November. But right now, I just wish you could cut me some slack, and starting putting a little of your own energy into making this whole thing go. At the very least, please respect that this is hard for me, and maybe just fend for yourself a little bit so I can see my family, or maybe hang out with the blog now and then. They’re not a threat to you. This is a done deal and it is going to be okay. Someday, the clouds will part and we’ll laugh and smile again. I love you, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now.

Yours always,

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