This moment, right now? It’s a momentous one indeed. I’m sitting at my desk in my office with a full cup of coffee, and it’s quiet. So quiet that I think if I just sit here and listen for a while, I’ll be able to hear myself think.
The holiday hubbub has ceased (though cleanup and so forth still remain). Much to his chagrin, today was not a snow day for the manchild, and school started up again on schedule; but snow is falling softly outside, meaning that even there it’s quiet. The simple quiet is a treasure which simply cannot be priced. No XM Kids, no video game noise, no TV, no mom music either, only the whir of hard drive. No crashing and thumping and rumpling and stomping. No questions. The cats — wisely — are even leaving me alone for a few minutes. The phone isn’t ringing.
I know this can’t last; it’ll be over any minute when something breaks the spell of silence. But the sheer relief of quiet for a few moments is unbelievable. It’s a downright physical relief, and when I go for a long long time without any silence, I forget that.
In December, I think I said “I think I’m turning into one of those people who doesn’t like the holidays at all,” and now it looks like i can confirm that. I feel guilty about that, but there it is. As my father would say, “Guilt is a useless emotion. It really serves no purpose to feel guilty. Instead of feeling guilty, people should just not do whatever it is they’re going to feel guilty about!” Here, of course, anybody who ever knew my father is simultaneously laughing and rolling their eyes; we all discussed this with him at length over the years, explaining that the problem with his admittedly impeccable logic is that sometimes, you just feel something. In this case of guilt I’d need to simply not feel dislike for the holidays, and that hurdle is one I’ve yet to leap. Partly, it’s that not liking the holidays is new. I never expected to find myself feeling thus, and so am ill-prepared.
The down side to quiet, and hearing myself think, is that then I am at risk of listening. While normally that’s absolutely fine, right now, it’s exhausting. Ah! But just like that, the moment is over. What’s left of the coffee has grown cold, the enormous cat has jumped into my lap and won’t let me type, the phone rang, and I’m back to the email backlog and getting the last ever batt club stuff ready to go out Friday and Monday. Well, peace was nice while it lasted! I think I’ll try it again soon.